SANCTIFICATION ON MY FACE.

This blog is different and funky, bear with me. What I want to do in this blog is explain some of the invisible growth I’ve experienced on the World Race. On my social media, it’s fairly rare that I post pictures of just myself and my face. This blog, however, will be a space full of pictures that I probably would never post on my Instagram. I want to show you through pictures of just me, some of the sanctification I have undergone with my Father. You may not be able to see any visible changes in my eyes or my smile or the way I carry myself, but there was so much going on under the surface of these smiles. These pictures tell the stories of really good times, really hard times, times where I wanted to quit and go home, and times where I changed my mind about things I never thought I would. So I’m doing something out of my comfort zone here and letting you into what really happened to me this year: sanctification.

Settling into life in Guatemala was really sweet. This is me sitting on the roof of our house, with my morning coffee, and my illuminated copy of the book of Acts that my best friend Olivia gave me for the Race. Reading Acts was never something I was comfortable doing growing up. Even in college, this book was not often referenced. Probably because it’s scary and confusing. In this picture, I was learning with the Lord that things that are scary and confusing are some of the best things. I come back to Acts a lot and dwell with the apostles. I hope that I’ve become a little more like Stephen this year: filled with the Holy Spirit and willing to give it all.

Ministry for me in Guatemala was simple and sweet. I learned the most here about the power of intercession and the importance of Sabbath. Implementing a true Sabbath for the first time in my life completely changed my relationship with the Lord. Resting with him without distraction, without expectation, without pressure, revitalized my intimacy with Him. I loved the weather, the green grass and blue skies. God taught me a lot about courage in Guatemala. He never left my side. He gave me the courage to pray bigger prayers than I’ve ever prayed before. He gave me the courage to be friends with people that hurt me. He gave me the courage to abandon everything I was clinging so tightly to.

Romania was cold and dark and difficult. I slept in a bedroom with no windows. Everyday, waking up was hard for me, and it never got easier while I lived there. Romania for me was a lot of fake smiles, a lot of stepping out of crowded rooms to cry alone, a lot of feeling like I was drowning, and feeling like the Lord was silent. I remember one specific day that I stayed back from ministry because I just needed time physically alone to spend with the Lord. My journal was so wet from my tears that day that I had to stop writing for it to dry, and then start again. I was comparing myself to everyone around me and felt completely abandoned by God when I saw Him moving in big ways in their lives. I was mostly pouring over the Psalms here. I had never related more to David and his honesty with God. In Romania, God taught me the most about reliance.

Romania had sweet moments though, like this one, with my squadmate Kevin. Finding a Vietnamese restaurant in Craiova, Romania was just one of the few of the ways God was kind to me. I got to know people on my squad more closely and laid foundations for some really incredible friendships. We celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas here, both of which were emotional and makeshift. But we celebrated nonetheless, all that the Lord had done up until that point and praised Him for all we knew He would do in the coming months. In this picture, I had just been asked to be a team leader. I was frightened and excited and everything in between. But God was a dear friend, a refuge of help in that time of trouble.

In Albania, I was leading a team of all women. And by all the world’s standards, I was honestly failing as a leader. I was often emotionally absent, shying away from decision making, and delegating to the point of worthlessness. I learned in Albania to ask things directly of the Lord and to be silent, listen, and wait on Him. I know now that waiting on the Lord doesn’t mean being slothful. I got apathetic. I got shallow. I got stoic. Our ministry required completely asking the Lord what we should do and then doing it. And I fell short. God was gracious in Albania to teach me about presence. The importance of His, and the importance of mine as well. Sometimes, we just have to show up and let God do the rest.

Towards the end of living in Albania, I got my second tattoo. If you can’t see it on my arm, it’s five tally marks. Psalm 90:12 says, “Teach me to number my days, that I may gain a heart of wisdom.” I’d say this verse sums up how the Lord grew me in Albania. I learned that the days are short, that life is short, and that wisdom comes to those who ask for it. I resolved to lead my team better, with more wisdom, and with more urgency to share the love of our Savior with those who are perishing.

This is the first selfie I took in Turkey. I remember this moment distinctly, watching the sunset over the rocks of Cappadocia, and exploring to my heart’s content. I hung back for a few moments and let the others go ahead. I closed my eyes and sang ‘Great is Thy Faithfulness.’ I rested in the truth that God has been faithful, is faithful, and would always be faithful to me. Even when I run, even when I scream at Him, even when I choose the world, even when I hide, His faithfulness is great. Even when I’m faithless, He is faithful! He can’t deny Himself, that’s just who He is. Wow. Getting more exposure to Islam in Turkey, convicted me to do some deep dives into God’s Word. I went through a series of seeing Jesus in the Old Testament. It’s one of the first times I’ve really understood the big picture of the whole story of the Bible. The typology and person of Jesus is weaved throughout the entire thing. His sovereignty is mind-blowingly humbling.

Several times in Turkey, God showed me His strength. I did things that I never thought I’d be physically able to. He carried me. And I let Him. This was a day I had to give up my expectations and rest in His arms. He was my portion when my flesh failed.

At the end of our time in Turkey, God walked alongside me as I learned about identity. I grew in confidence as I surrendered more and more of myself to Him. As I sought His face, I was more okay with looking at my own in the mirror. God made me quirky, reserved, introspective, and peaceful. He made me in His image and knitted me together in my mother’s womb. He calls me free, forgiven, holy, and blameless. On my first team, I was in a place of unhealthy comparison of my faith and my body. But my second team affirmed me and pointed me back to Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith.

Jordan was our shortest country. Did that stop the Lord from working? Not for a second. I have never really dealt with anxiety, but in Jordan, that changed. As we dove deep into living in a Muslim culture, the enemy fought hard to put doubts in my mind of my God and my purpose. But as it is written, “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” In Jordan, I learned about the Lord’s care. Something that helped when I was feeling anxious was physically imagining myself leaning back into the arms of my Father. Letting go and letting the Lord care for me created new intimacy in our relationship. Feeling His care also allowed me to care for my team well. If God dresses the lilies, how much more will he clothe me?

This picture was taken at the beginning of Thailand of me scooping mangos. In Thailand, God has been walking me through a season of preparation. Sanctification here has looked like dreaming with God, and praying about my life and role in the Kingdom. I have a better understanding now than I did at the beginning of who He is and who I am. I am okay with giving up my desires for something that might bring Him greater glory. He has also been preparing my heart to return Stateside. I know that is where He wants me next. As I reenter one of the hardest mission fields in the world, I want to be used as a vessel, however He sees fit.

This is the most recent picture of me here in Thailand, riding on the back of a moped in the rain. I’ve smiled a lot here and have seen the Lord shining on me too. Please lift up my squad and I in prayer as we close out our final ministry on the World Race. I am eager to hug my family, to meet my niece, to eat Chick-fil-A and to have a hot shower! Pray that I can find a balance between finishing the Race well and looking towards home with love and gratitude, and with a new and sanctified heart.

So much love,

Caroline!